Hey...

It's been quite a while since i last blogged about my daily life. Nothing much had changed about me, maybe the hairdo and the face ( Due to Pimple Eruption Thanks to Stress )but as far as you are concern, everything is alright. I had been living in hell for the past 2 years as some of you guys should know. Firstly I WAS quite happy because someone special was there for me but that someone too left and my world kinda crumbled down on me. Feels insecure, my mind was filled with hatred and sorrow, nothing seem to be right. Well, the usual emotional session you feel when you're alone and no one seem to be bothered or even notice about your existence. Life did became slightly better as i set foot back in Subang Jaya. Got to meet my old friends, got to talk about life and catch up. To be frank, my Penang life was OKAY. Not really grand, neither too happening. Made new friends and did learn to be independent and less dependent on my parents. What doesn't kills you makes you stronger ; I'll have to agree to that statement. I am slightly stronger than i was before and slightly more matured than before. Even my looks seem older ! Hahaha~ well, people do grow~

Even though we all had grew up, I still long to be childish and stupid. You know, the stupid kid. Always laughing, forever smiling, forever free from stress and pain but it seems to me that these 'forever's will never BE forever. Well, nothing but shimmering pieces of sad memories floats inside the ocean of thoughts. It's kinda painful and distorting. I feel so dejected and ignored. It hurts to know that your existence doesn't really matter and you don't play a role in anyone's life.

It's been 2 years, just simply 2 years and so many things had changed. My friends ain't what they were before. My family ain't as warm as it seems anymore. Stress and pressure keeps pouring in despite the fact that I've tried to cover up all those pain with a smile hoping god would notice it and stop torturing my fragile little mind. Well, it seems to be god just don't know when to stop. Everyone says God is all mighty and all knowing. I've believed that. Everyone says that god will lead the way, and I've believed that too but until now, my life was lead to it's peak where even the slightest damage onto it will bring about my downfall and I'll have to re-climb the mountains which I've already conquered a long time ago. This shattered dream and broken heart didn't heal. Time was on god's side, aiding him with his torment. No one WAS here for me, no one at all. I thought my best friends would be there to lend me a shoulder to rest on. I thought my best friends would forever be there for me. To borrow their ears and hearts to ease my pain. I was naive and still am. Nothing but loneliness, all these years i was seeking for a way to escape loneliness. Yet, it's still here. Right next to me.

My friends are busy most of the time. Always busy with their assignments and college programs. It feel as if I'm the only one who is so free and have nothing better to do. Nevertheless, they kept on portraying those vibes where it feels like they prefer to neglect you and move on instead of stopping their steps and walk back to help out a friend which had fallen. Even if i say this, they would still stand their ground saying that they are always right without a single thought of : "Oh, how would i feel if i was in HIS shoes. Oh my, it sucks. I'm sorry". Never will it occur. They always comes up with more and more excuse and end up. Our friendship came to an end. It hurts me so much to know that I've lose a friend but to them, it's like a daily routine. Yes, friends do come and go but would you wanna lose your friends? How could you JUST LET GO. I don't understand. My mind keeps telling me that someday, someone who understands you will come along. Still, till now nothing had tagged along other than misery, loneliness and anger.

I haven't given up hope yet life keeps on pushing and pushing. Life feels so heavy a burden. My shoulders are weak and I'm losing will to carry on. Since no one's there to begin with, it might as well end with no one there to weep. My days were countable, happiness didn't even last. Like they say, If You Wanna See A Rainbow, You'll Have To Put Up With The Rain. I've Walked through the rain, not once, not twice, not trice but much more than what your fingers can count. Still, no rainbow is in sight. The damped soils didn't grow flowers like they've promised. The wet lands didn't grow trees of wisdom like they've said. Neither did the garden of hope bloom any flowers to bring up the hopes of my life. All i could see were black clouds ahead, shadow caped mountains and crimson red ocean.

I've grew tired of listening to words which are just merely words which brings about no meanings. Yeah right, there are many more fishes in the sea. Like what HE said, Fishes have scales and with these scales it's not easy to catch them with your bare hands. No one gave you a net. So what are you gonna do? With your tries over and over again. Do you think that Practice does makes perfect? There are millions and millions kinds of fishes. What makes you so sure that all the fishes you're gonna catch are the same kind with the same scale arrangements? End up, you'll float on this boat on this endless sea of sorrow. Watching them fish swim by one by one. Watching them go past your boat while you're weak and fragile till an extend where you don't even wanna fish anymore. Finally, you die on board and fall into the ocean during a storm and get flush away into the endless depth of this cruel society.

Love isn't Kind, and it will Never be. I used to thought it was, everyone told me TO BELIEVE IN IT ! They told me not to give up hope ! That someone special will come one day ! Believe in THAT ! I did. I Really did. But till now, nothing has come. One day; Two Days; Three Days; Now? Almost 8 months had past. And I'm still here all alone. I laughed at myself for my stupidity, laughed at my irrationality and also laughed at my pathetic state. Nothing seems to go right and Nothing Will.

Alright Then... I've Had Enough of this complaining anyways. Reading This ain't gonna make me or you happier. Because I know I've lose most of my friends. Well, if they don't want me, It's fine with me. I don't need an ass wipe that only wants me for benefits anyways.

Thanks for being here Dear Diary. Love You...